Jupiter is larger than all the other planets in our solar system combined. 
It takes 8 minutes for the light from the sun to reach our eyes. 
The nearest star is 4.6 light years away. 
If you could find a big enough water source, Saturn would float since its density is less than water. 
There are 88 constillations. 
Iceland consumes to most Coca-Cola per capita than any other country. 
All porcupines float in water. 
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the U.S. treasury. 
A ducks quack does not echo, and no one knows why. 
The average erect penis size of a middle aged Canadian is 4.3 inches. 
The average erect penis size of a middle aged Russain is 7.8 inches. 
200 college students streaked at the same time in Boulder, CO in 1974. 
98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else. 
27% of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell." 
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. 
"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo. 
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. 
A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana. 
A porpoise swims slowly in a circle as it sleeps. 
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. 
A small tribe named the Todas in southern India doesn't greet each other with a handshake, they thumb their noses. 
All the clocks in 'Pulp Fiction' are stuck on 4:20. 
About 96% of American children can recognize Ronald McDonald. 
About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it. 
According to one poll, nearly 3/4 of all American women wear a bra that is the wrong size. 
America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men. 
Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class: $440,000 
An average person laughs about 15 times a day. 
An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it. 
An estimated 6,000 American teenagers lose their virginity every day. 
An Indian woman can legally wed a goat. 
Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute. 
At one time in Holland it took four years to train to be a hatmaker but only three years to train to be a surgeon. 
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. 
Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000. 
Aztec emperor Montezuma II had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement." 
Ballroom dancing is a major at Brigham Young University. 
Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western Pacific. 
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan. 
Bubble gum contains rubber. 
Camel's milk does not curdle. 
Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village". 
Captain Jean-Luc Picard's fish was named Livingston. 
Captain Kangaroo won five Emmy awards. 
Captain Kirk never said "Beam me up, Scotty," but he did say, "Beam me up, Mr. Scott". 
Carnivorous animals will not eat another animal that has been hit by a lightning strike. 
Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living. 
Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4 
Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7 
Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where he/she grew up: 1 in 2 
Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages. 
Cinderella's slippers were originally made out of fur. The story was changed in the 1600s by a translator. 
City with the highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Wash., DC. 
City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them, used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired." 
Coca-cola was originally green. 
Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church. 
David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie. 
Despite the many rat-infested slums in New York City, rats bite only 311 people in an average year. But 1,519 residents are bitten annually by other New Yorkers. 
Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy. 
Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice." 
Dreamt is the only English word that ends with "mt". 
Drivers tend to drive faster when other cars are around. It doesn't matter whether they are in front, behind or beside them. 
Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. 
During his entire lifetime, Herman Melville's timeless classic of the sea, 'Moby Dick', only sold 50 copies. 
Each unit on the Richter Scale is equivalent to a power factor of about 32. So a 6 is 32 times more powerful than a 5! Though it goes to 10, 9 is estimated to be the point of total tectonic destruction (2 is the smallest that can be felt unaided.) 
Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded. 
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason. 
Estimated percentage of American adults who go on a diet each year: 44 
Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks. 
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasuries 
Every person has a unique tongue print. 
Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head. 
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic." 
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. 
First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer". Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk. 
Sloopy Hang On is the official rock song of Ohio. 
Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. 
Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego. 
If you are locked in a completely sealed room, you will die of carbon dioxide poisoning first before you will die of oxygen deprivation. 
If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive .10 from the town. 
In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills. 
The last dodo bird died in 1681. 
In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock. 
In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die. 
In 1980, the Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under frozen foods. 
In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan. 
In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast. 
In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows. 
In 1984, a New Jersey man opened a summer camp for Cabbage Patch dolls. 
In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed in Ireland. 
In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed." 
In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers. 
In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles. 
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1. 
In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured. 
Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category. 
It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it. 
Right now you are wasting your time reading this.
Many hamsters blink one eye at a time. 
The inventor of the flushing toilet was Thomas Crapper. 
The average bed is home to over 6 billion dust mites. 
Plastic lawn flamingos outnumber real flamingos in the U.S.A 
Whitby, Ontario has more donut stores per capita than any other place in the world. 
Starfish have no brain. 
Dolphins sleep with one eye open. 
Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel with over 50,000 words, none of which containing the letter "E". 
Bulls are colour blind. 
Apples are more effective at keeping people awake in the morning than caffeine. 
A can of SPAM is opened every 4 seconds. 
"Babe" was played by over 48 pigs. 
Mosquitoes have 47 teeth. 
Lip stick contains fish scales. 
Ants never sleep. 
The Poison Arrow frog has enough poison to kill 2200 people. 
The largest pumpkin weighed 377 lbs. 
The largest cabbage weighed 144 lbs. 
The largest known kidney stone weighed 1.36 kilograms. 
Kidney stones come in any colour from yellow to brown. 
Women blink twice as many times as men do. 
The McDonalds at the SkyDome in Toronto, Ontario is the only one in the world that sells hot dogs. 
A bowling pin only has to tilt 7.5 degrees in order to fall down. 
The first episode of Leave It To Beaver aired on October 4, 1957. 
Beaver Cleaver's locker number is 9. 
The first flushing toilet seen on TV was on Leave It To Beaver. 
Jerry Seinfeld's apartment number (on the show) is 5A. In the old episodes it was 3A. 
The life span of a taste bud is ten days. 
The shortest commercial ever was only 4 frames of a second. 
Pi has been calculated to 2,260,321,363 digits. 
The billionth digit in Pi is 9. 
The first 100 numbers of Pi are: 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679. 
Click HERE for a hell of a lotta Pi! 
A stretched out Slinky is 87 feet long. 
The hundred billionth Crayola crayon was Perriwinkle Blue. 
Dr.Seuss pronounced "Seuss" so it rhymed with "rejoice". 
Babies are born without knee caps. They appear when the child is 2-6 years of age. 
An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes. 
Emus can't walk backwards. 
A group of unicorns is called a blessing. 
A group of kangaroos is called a mob. 
A group of whales is called a pod. 
A group of geese is called a gaggle. 
A group of owls is called a parliament. 
A group of ravens is called a murder. 
A group of bears is called a sleuth. 
12 or more cows is called a flink. 
A baby oyster is called a spat. 
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds. 
Chickens can't swallow while they are upside down. 
In the October 22, 1945 edition of Life magazine there was a picture of a chicken with its head cut off. It was alive too! 
The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head. 
A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds. 
Pinocchio was made of pine. 
A mule won't sink in quicksand but a donkey will. 
More people are killed annually by donkeys than in airplane crashes. 
Alfred Hitchcock had no belly button for it was eliminated during surgery. 
There are 22 stars in the Paramount logo. 
The average human produces 10,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime. 
A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge. 
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. 
Cranberry Jell-0 is the only kind that contains real fruit. 
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. 
Every time you lick a stamp you consume 1/10 of a calorie. 
The pound sign # is called anoctothorpe. 
Maine is the toothpick capital of the world. 
New Jersey has a spoon museum with over 5,400 spoons from almost all the states. 
There was once a town in West Virginia called "6". 
Singapore only has one train station. 
The parking meter was invented in North Dakota. 
Napolean made his battle plans in a sandbox. 
Roman Emperor Caligula made his horse a senator. 
The green stuff on the occasional freak potatoe chip is chlorophyll. 
If you ate too many carrots you would turn orange. 
Pluto's orbit crosses Neptune's making Pluto the eighth planet from the sun. It has been that way since 1979 and will remain that way until 1999. 
The earth is approx. 6,588,000,000,000,000,000 tons. 
The force of 1 billion people jumping at the same time is equal to 500 tons of TNT. 
Popeye was 5"6. 
Howdy Doody had 48 freckles. 
The first word spoken on the moon was "Okay". 
Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon with his left foot first. 
The average speed of Heinz ketchup leaving the bottle is 25 miles per year. 
Hilary Clinton once said We are the President. 
The percent of women who wash their hands after leaving a restroom is 80%. 
The percent of men who wash their hands after using a restroom is 55%. 
There are 333 toilet paper squares on a toilet paper roll. 
The Eifel Tower has 2 500 000 rivets in it. 
"Jaws" is the most common name for a goldfish. 
On an average work day, a typist's fingers travel 12.6 miles. 
The average American eats 2 donuts a day. 
The longest word in the Old Testament is Malhershalahashbaz. 
The longest time a person has been in a coma is 37 years. 
Every minute in the U.S 6 people turn 17. 
It takes the Where's Waldo artist one month to complete a drawing. 
2500 lefties die each year using products designed for righties. 
A baby is born every 7 seconds. 
10 tons of space dust fall on the Earth everyday. 
On average, a 4 year old child asks 437 questions a day. 
Blue and white are the most common school colours. 
Swimming pools in Phoenix, Arizona, pick up 20 pounds of dust a year. 
The first message tapped by Samuel Morse over his invention the telegraph was: What hath God wrought?. 
The first words spoken by over Alexander Bell over the telephone were:
Watson, please come here. I want you. 
The first words spoken by Thomas Edison over the phonograph were: Mary had a little lamb 
The three words in the English language with the letters uu are: vacuum, residuum and continuum. 
A baby in Florida was named: Truewilllaughinglifebuckyboomermanifestdestiny.
His middle name is George James. 
It is illegal to ride a street car on Sunday if have been eating garlic in Toronto,Ontario, Canada. 
Ina normal life time an American will eat 200 pounds of peanuts and 10 000 pounds of meat. 
A new book is published every 13 minutes in America. 
America's best selling ice-cream flavour is vanilla. 
American's eat 18 billion hot dogs a year. 
American's eat 134 pounds of sugar a year. 
Every year the sun loses 360 million tons. 
Because of Animal Crackers, many kids until they reach the age of ten, believe a bear is as tall as a giraffe. 
You can tell if a skunk is about if you smell only .000 000 000 000 071 ounce of its spray. 
Animal breeders in Russia once claimed to have bred sheep with blue wool. 
A dog in East Africa says "woo-woo". 
A dog in Bangkok says "bahk-bahk". 
A dog in Japan says "wan-wan". 
A dog in Russia says "gahf-gahft". 
A cow in Thailand says "oo-ah" 
A cat in Japon says "neow". 
A cat in Thailand says "mao". 
A pig Japan says "moo-moo". 
A pig in Thailand says "oot-oot". 
A pig in Russia sayds"ha-roo". 
A rooster in Germany says "ay-ee-ache-ache" 
Penguins are the only bird that can leap into the air like porpoises. 
India has 50 million monkeys. 
By some unknown means, an iguana can end its own life. 
Americans spend around $3 billion for cat and dog food a year. 
Pigs can cover a mile in 7.5 minutes when running at top speed. 
You breathe about 10 million times a year. 
The colder the room you sleep in, the better the chances are that you'll have a bad dream. 
The first non-human to win an Oscar was Mickey Mouse. 
Lee Harvey Oswald was booked with mugshot number 54018. 
The Gulf Stream could carry a message in a bottle at an average of 4 miles per hour. 
The bullseye on a dartboard must be 5 feet 8 inches off the ground. 
The foot is the most common body part bitten by insects. 
The most common time for a wake up call is 7am. 
The doorbell was invented in 1831. 
The are 225 squares on a Scrabble board. 
The electric shaver was patented on November 6, 1928. 
There are 500 sheets of paper in a ream. 
The monkey wrench was invented by Charles Moncke. 
Japan is the largest exporter of frog's legs. 
There are seven points on the Statue of Liberty's crown. 
There are approx. 550 hairs in the eyebrow. 
The most common non-contagious disease in the world is tooth decay. 
The shell constitutes 12 percent of an egg's weight. 
A squid has 10 tentacles. 
A snail's reproductive organs are in its head. 
A cow's only sweat glands are in its nose. 
The world AND appears 46 277 times in the Bible. 
The first word played in the Scrabble rules demonstration game is "Horn." 
The telephone's U.S. patent number is 174 465. 
The typical person goes to the bathroom 6 times a day. 
There are 17 steps leading up to Sherlock Holme's apartment. 
Anthony Robbin's informercial airs every half an hour, 24 hours a day somewhere in the USA. 
When a horned toad is angry, it squirts blood from it's eyes. 
Napoleon was terrified of cats. 
The first Lifesaver flavor was peppermint. 
The typical American eats 263 eggs a year. 
The ballpoint pen was invented in 1938 by Laszlo and Georg Biro. 
The fastest growing nail is on the middle finger. 
The parking meter was invented by C.C. Magee in 1935. 
In 1961, an IBM 7090 computer calculated Pi to 100 265 digits. 
The human body weighs forty times more than the brain. 
After eating too much, your hearing is less sharp. 
A person swallows approx. 295 while eating dinner. 
The oldest known vegetable is the pea. 
Jack is the most common name in nursery rhymes. 
The avocado has the most calories of any fruit. 
The first zoo in the USA was in Philadelphia. 
The letter N ends all Japanese words not ending in a vowel. 
France has the highest per capita consumption of cheese. 
The hardest bone in the human body is the jawbone. 
4000 people are injured by teapots each year. 
The typical American consumes 27 pounds of cheese each year. 
The shortest English word that contains the letters A, B, C, D, E, and F is feedback 
The ostrich has a 46 foot long small intestine. 
The state of California raises the most turkeys out of all of the states. 
The most sensitive finger on the human hand is the index finger. 
George Washington Carver invented peanut butter. 
The typical hen lays 19 dozen eggs a year. 
Stainless steal was invented by Harry Brearley in 1913. 
A scallop has 35 blue eyes. 
The left leg of a chicken is more tender than the right one. 
The only dog that doesn't have a pink tongue is the chow. 
Iceland was the first country to legalize abortion in 1935. 
The giraffe has the highest blood pressure of any animal. 
The dumbest domesticated animal is the turkey. 
Russia has the most movie theaters in the world. 
Albert Blake Dick invented the mimeograph machine. 
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. 
The most fatal car accidents occur on Saturday. 
An Oscar weighs seven pounds. 
It takes the typical person seven minutes to fall asleep. 
Gabriel Fahrenheit invented the mercury thermometer. 
The Eiffel Tower has 1792 steps. 
The mongoose was barred live entry into the U.S. in 1902. 
Goldfish swallowing started at Harvard in 1939. 
Dry fish food can make goldfish constipated. 
The stall closest to the door in a bathroom is the cleanest, because it is the least used. 
Toilet paper was invented in 1857. 
54% of Americans prefer to "fold" their toliet paper rather than "wad" it. 
Your urine will turn bright yellow if you eat too much asparagas. 
111,111,111 x 111,111,111=12,345,678,987,654,321 
There are more people alive today than have ever died. 
The first X-rated animated cartoon was Fritz the Cat 
The Library of Congress contains 327 miles of book shelves. 
There are 5 varieties of twins. 
The shell constitutes for 12 percent of an eggs mass. 
The longest word in the english language is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. It has 45 letters. 
An ostriche's eye is larger than its brain. 
'Typewriter' is the longest word that can be typed using only the top row on a standard keyboard. 
The only word in the english language to use all vowels in order is vacesious. It means to exxagerate. 
The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language. 
Elvis had a twin brother named Aaron, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother. 
A goldfish will eventually turn white when placed in a dark room. 
It was first discovered on a space misson flight that a frog could throw up. First it throws up its stomach, uses it's forearms to dig out the food and then swallows it stomach back down. 
White Out was developed my Mike Nesmith's mother (formerly of The Monkees) 
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself. 
"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. 
Light travels at 186,000 miles per second. 
Killed (stats.dal.net (User has been banned from DALnet ([ma/inv] Mass Messaging / Inviting is not allowed on DALnet - Founder. Continue, and the channel may be closed by DALnet administration. See http://kline.dal.net/massads/mup.htm)))
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Autokilled for [exp/identd] Due to constant abuse from this site, users are now required to install identd on their computers. Please visit http://kline.dal.net/exploits/ident.htm for more information. (2000/07/18 07.30)
General protection fault in LIFE.EXE. Please contact your vendor for more information
FATAL ERROR: Windows $os present
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger 
WinErr 002: No Error - Yet 
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file 
WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong 
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused 
WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive 
WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware 
WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments 
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened 
WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full 
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB 
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More! 
WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside 
WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside 
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened 
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers 
WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside 
WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside 
WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ? 
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. 
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore. 
WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! 
WinErr 01A: Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry. 
WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that. 
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate. 
WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. 
WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. 
WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers. 
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost. 
WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again. 
WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. 
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded. 
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 
WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete the boot procedure. 
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available 
WinErr 816: Windows system resource assimilation error - Out of resources, buy more RAM!
WinErr 817: Inferior browser detected - Press Yes to sabotage browser
WinErr 818: Expected error 0E at 0001:000E - 0012:019B: Windows present
WinErr 91A: Linux detected on partition 0A - BillsCache lost
WinErr 91C: Netscape detected on drive C - Enabling BillsSabotage instructions
WinErr 91F: Windows dirty, get a windowcleaner
WinErr 920: Windows too clean, please install MS PLUS!
WinErr 978: Cat ate PS/2 Mouse - Turn off your computer before the new settings will take effect.
WinErr 993: Too many resources free!
WinErr 998: System too fast, slowing down
WinErr 999: System not slow enough with Windows 95! Buy Windows 98!
Have you ever had the feeling... that the world's gone and left you behind...
Confucius say:  "Man who go to bed with diarrhea wake up in deep shit."
Confucius say:  "When in doubt, whip it out." 
Confucius say:  "It is Ok for shit to happen. Shit will decompose."
Confucius say:  "A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish, but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts."
Confucius say:  "House without toilet is uncanny."
Confucius say:  "Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand." 
Confucius say:  "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."
Confucius say:  "Boy and girl go camping together sure to have naughty intent."
Someday your ship will come in....but you'll be at the airport.
4*I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
4*If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
4*Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
4*Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
4*Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
4*24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
4*Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
9*I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
12*Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
7,1BILL CLINTON 98 VIRUS: This virus will say anything to you to get into your computer. But once you let it in, does anything it wants to. It has been known to lie and cheat on its mother board. You know your computer has this virus when your screen turns white and spells out water.
4Q:  What do you do with 365 used rubbers?  4A:  Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a throw on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: Nuts...my shaft is bent
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: After 18 holes I can barely walk
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: You really whacked the heck out of that sucker
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: Look at the size of his putter
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: Mind if I join your threesome?
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: Stand with your back turned and drop it
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
8It sounds dirty, but in law, it isn't: Have you looked through her briefs?
6It sounds dirty, but in law, it isn't: He is one hard judge!
6It sounds dirty, but in law, it isn't: Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
6It sounds dirty, but in law, it isn't: His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6It sounds dirty, but in law, it isn't: Is it a penal offense?
6It sounds dirty, but in law, it isn't: Better leave the handcuffs on.
6It sounds dirty, but in law, it isn't: For $200 an hour, she better be good!
6It sounds dirty, but in law, it isn't: Can you get him to drop his suit?
6It sounds dirty, but in law, it isn't: The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
6It sounds dirty, but in law, it isn't: Think you can get me off?
6It sounds dirty, but in the office, it isn't: I need to whip it out by 5.
6It sounds dirty, but in the office, it isn't: Mind if I use your laptop?
6It sounds dirty, but in the office, it isn't: Just stick it in my box.
6It sounds dirty, but in the office, it isn't: If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6It sounds dirty, but in the office, it isn't: I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
6It sounds dirty, but in the office, it isn't: HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
6It sounds dirty, but in the office, it isn't: My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
6It sounds dirty, but in the office, it isn't: It's an entry-level position.
6It sounds dirty, but in the office, it isn't: When do you think you'll be getting off today?
6It sounds dirty, but in the office, it isn't: It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Do you f*ck on a first date? No? Well, see you tomorrow then."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it."
Some Wisdom ? Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
Some Wisdom ? I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 
Some Wisdom ? But what ... is it good for? Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. 
Some Wisdom ?There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. Ken Olson, resident, chairman and founder of D-Equipment Corp, 1977
Some Wisdom ? 640K ought to be enough for anybody. Bill Gates, 1981 apocryphal
Some Wisdom ? This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.  Western Union internal memo, 1876.
Some Wisdom ? The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?   David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
Some Wisdom ? We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
Some Wisdom ? Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. 
Some Wisdom ? Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy.      Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. 
Some Wisdom ? Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole 
Some Wisdom ? Consider the past and you shall know the future.
Some Wisdom ? The mind is a latent concept which can be seen as a quantity of synaptical connections between neurons lying in different parts of the functional brain areas.
Some Wisdom ? The Truth is realized in an instant; the Act is practiced step by step. -Zen saying
Some Wisdom ? Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others.
Some Wisdom ? The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
Some Wisdom ? There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Some Wisdom ? Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Some Wisdom ? Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
Some Wisdom ? Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.
Some Wisdom ? You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. - Al Capone (1899-1947) 
Some Wisdom ? Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature immediately comes up with a better mouse.
Some Wisdom ? How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone. - Coco Chanel 
Some Wisdom ? In shallow waters, shrimps make fools of dragons. - Chinese Proverb 
Some Wisdom ? The wise man learns more from his enemies than a fool does from his friends. - Chinese Proverb 
Some Wisdom ? When you want to test the depths of a stream, don't use both feet. - Chinese Proverb 
Some Wisdom ? Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.
Some Wisdom ? Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile.
Some Wisdom ? Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
Some Wisdom ? Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
Some Wisdom ? An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.
Some Wisdom ? Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
Some Wisdom ? One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
Some Wisdom ? There is no love sincerer than the love of food n beer.
Some Wisdom ? Logic is a tweeting bird in a green meadow.
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.
Murphy's Third Law: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that   can go wrong will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going   wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways   in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from   bad to worse. 
O'Toole's commentary on murphy's law: Murphy was an optimist. 
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
Save a tree. Eat a beaver. 
Sorry, no quote today. 
Study = NoFail NoStudy = Fail .............. Study + NoStudy = Fail + No Fail Study(1 + No) = Fail(1 + No) ergo, Study = Fail 
The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 
Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.
Strange but true :  In 4 American states a man can only train to become a gynaecologist if he is either a eunuch or a homosexual.
Strange but true :  In Scotland it is illegal to allow your dog to lick its own arse in public.
Strange but true :  A 1.00 bet, placed by Tony Blair in 1994, will net him an astonishing 150,000,000 if The Archbishop of Canterbury ever sets foot on Mars.
Bizarre punishments of our time number 45 : In Italy, " Pulling silly faces at captive chimpanzees" is punishable by     up to 9 months in prison. 
Strange but true :  Horse manure is still legal tender in seven English counties.
Strange but true :  By law, bald policemen in Spain must wear a wig whilst on duty.
Strange but true :  It is illegal to impersonate Beavis and Butthead on the streets of Trondheim in Norway.
Strange but true :  By the time you have finished reading this sentence, 5 people worldwide will have been crushed to death whilst attempting to move grand pianos down flights of stairs.
Strange but true :  In four American states it is illegal for a man to have longer hair than his wife unless "she has a doctor's certificate stating that she is officially bald "
Strange but true :  Welshmen are forbidden from wearing trousers that might frighten timid persons, children or animals on the streets of Swansea.
Strange but true :  For some unexplained reason the chances of being hit by lightning are greatly reduced if you are not wearing any trousers.
Strange but true :  If everyone in the world were to gain an extra 100lbs in weight, the Earth would slow down by such a rate that it would only revolve once every 25 hours.
Strange but true :  Under an ancient and overlooked English by-law it is still legal to marry a goat in Shropshire.
Strange but true :  The Pope has just become the ten millionth member of the Mickey Mouse Club.
Strange but true :  You cannot join the Royal Air Force if you are allergic to strawberrries.
Strange but true :  By law, every British policemen must hold a valid chainsaw license.
Strange but true :  It is illegal to eat cheese at the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Strange but true :  Since 1945, 13 ex-SS Oberstrmfhrers have undergone sex change surgery.
Strange but true :  Sylvester Stallone is an avid collector of stuffed goats.
Strange but true :  In 14th-century France it was legal for a man to marry a sheep.
Strange but true :  As from today it is no longer illegal for Spanish policemen to call their pet dogs Frank.
Strange but true :  France's second-most popular sex toy is a 14 inch high rubber replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Weird Word : Furunculosis  (noun) The condition of having many boils; a highly infectious disease of salmon and related fish.
Useless facts :  Coca-Cola was originally green.
Useless facts :  Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury
Useless facts :  It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
Useless facts :  Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
Useless facts :  Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served
first class: $40,000
Useless facts :  State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work, Alaska
Useless facts :  Percentage of Africa that is wilderness, 28%
Useless facts :  Percentage of North America that is wilderness, 38%
Useless facts :  Barbie's measurements if she were life size, 39-23-33
Useless facts :  Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear, 7
Useless facts :  Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again, 80%
Useless facts :  Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man, 50%
Useless facts :  Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven, $6,400
Useless facts :  Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour, 61,000
Useless facts :  Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
Useless facts :  The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
Useless facts :  The youngest pope was 11 years old.
Useless facts :  Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capital than any other nation.
Useless facts :  A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Useless facts :  The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Useless facts :  The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
Useless facts :  Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use
to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."
Useless facts :  The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
Useless facts :  An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
Useless facts :  The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
Useless facts :  The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
Useless facts :  Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
Useless facts :  Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
Useless facts :  Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Amazing Anagrams : David Ginola   - Vagina dildo
Amazing Anagrams : Teddy Sheringham   - Teddy Minge rash
Amazing Anagrams : Tony Blair PM   - I'm tory plan B
Amazing Anagrams : Virginia Bottomley   - I'm an evil Tory bigot
Amazing Anagrams : Michael Heseltine   - Elect him, he's alien
Amazing Anagrams : David Mellor   - Dildo marvel
Amazing Anagrams : The Houses of Parliament  - Loonies far up the Thames
Amazing Anagrams : Francois Mitterand   - Mad strain of cretin
Amazing Anagrams : Performance related pay  - Mere end of year claptrap
Amazing Anagrams : Dame Agatha Christie  - I am a right death case
Amazing Anagrams : The Open University  - Intrusive Neophyte
Amazing Anagrams : The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
Amazing Anagrams : Acorn Computers   - Crap to consumer
Amazing Anagrams : Benson and Hedges   - NHS been a godsend
Amazing Anagrams : Eastenders    - needs a rest
Amazing Anagrams : Home and Away   - Aha..yawn mode
Amazing Anagrams : Eldorado    - Real dodo
Amazing Anagrams : Selina Scott   - Elastic snot
Amazing Anagrams : Peter Ustinov   - Eruptive snot
Amazing Anagrams : Actors    - scrota
Amazing Anagrams : Robert DeNiro   - error on bidet
Amazing Anagrams : Rita Hayworth   - Hot hairy wart
Amazing Anagrams : Sir Alec Guinness   - Clearing sinuses
Amazing Anagrams : Mel Gibson    - big melons
Amazing Anagrams : Arnold Schwarzenegger  - He's grown large 'n' crazed
Amazing Anagrams : Kylie Minogue   - I like 'em young
Amazing Anagrams : Gloria Estefan   - large fat noise
Amazing Anagrams : Chris Rea    - rich arse
Amazing Anagrams : Marti Pellow   - Ill tapeworm
Amazing Anagrams : Madonna, the material girl  - Real dim man-eating harlot
Amazing Anagrams : Ossie Ardiles   - Arse is soiled
Amazing Anagrams : Diego Maradona   - O dear, I'm a gonad
Amazing Anagrams : Martina Navratilova  - Variant rival to a man
Amazing Anagrams : Gabriela Sabatini   - Insatiable airbag
Amazing Anagrams : Irritable Bowel Syndrome  - O my terrible drains below
Amazing Anagrams : An Intel Pentium Processor  - Customer nipple not arisen
Amazing Anagrams : Pentium Processor   - Computerises porn
Amazing Anagrams : Motorway Service Station  - I eat coronary vomit stews
Amazing Anagrams : Boddingtons, the cream of Manchester - Boddington's stomachachefermenter
Amazing Anagrams : Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive - Pint 'o' lager virtually erases sexiness
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Erection reset by beer.
