David Ginola   - Vagina dildo
Teddy Sheringham   - Teddy Minge rash
Tony Blair PM   - I'm tory plan B
Virginia Bottomley   - I'm an evil Tory bigot
Michael Heseltine   - Elect him, he's alien
David Mellor   - Dildo marvel
The Houses of Parliament  - Loonies far up the Thames
Francois Mitterand   - Mad strain of cretin
Performance related pay  - Mere end of year claptrap
Dame Agatha Christie  - I am a right death case
The Open University  - Intrusive Neophyte
The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
Acorn Computers   - Crap to consumer
Benson and Hedges   - NHS been a godsend
Eastenders    - needs a rest
Home and Away   - Aha..yawn mode
Eldorado    - Real dodo
Selina Scott   - Elastic snot
Peter Ustinov   - Eruptive snot
Actors    - scrota
Robert DeNiro   - error on bidet
Rita Hayworth   - Hot hairy wart
Sir Alec Guinness   - Clearing sinuses
Mel Gibson    - big melons
Arnold Schwarzenegger  - He's grown large 'n' crazed
Kylie Minogue   - I like 'em young
Gloria Estefan   - large fat noise
Chris Rea    - rich arse
Marti Pellow   - Ill tapeworm
Madonna, the material girl  - Real dim man-eating harlot
Ossie Ardiles   - Arse is soiled
Diego Maradona   - O dear, I'm a gonad
Martina Navratilova  - Variant rival to a man
Gabriela Sabatini   - Insatiable airbag
Irritable Bowel Syndrome  - O my terrible drains below
An Intel Pentium Processor  - Customer nipple not arisen
Pentium Processor   - Computerises porn
Motorway Service Station  - I eat coronary vomit stews
Boddingtons, the cream of Manchester - Boddington's stomachachefermenter
Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive - Pint 'o' lager virtually erases sexiness